This blog contains nudity and post-surgery images
This is a story about being true to yourself. A story of loving and being who you truly are. This is a story about finding true love along the way.
Please keep an open mind. You can never walk in other's shoes. You can never know what another feels. What would you do to feel whole and complete? We have created this blog to inform and educate about transgender people.
There are so many lonely souls walking this earth. Please remember that things will change. Things will improve. You are worth it. You are perfect and never allow ANYONE to tell you different. I have linked various sites below. Reach out for help. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! WE LOVE YOU! XOXO
These images are not edited. We thought it was important to keep the photos as is.
We had had a few beers in Tulsa Oklahoma and we’re sitting on the floor of my best friend’s home watching YouTube videos. That’s when he first really told me. He told me in a “soft around the edges” kind of way. He told me that he thought he was really gender queer (instead of a butch), but his tears and his eyes told me what I already knew, he was transgender.
When I first met Kris he was a butch with makeup on in business casual attire – striped button up and jeans. He met me in the archway of his open garage door. I walked up his driveway on that cold-as-hell October night with a six pack of pumpkin beer. We were meeting up for fun only. We met on OK Cupid- a hook-up site. We were both seeing other people for drinks, sex and no strings attached engagements. I was eager to hightail it out of the desert in a few months to a new land away from my ex and all the bullshit that I had gotten myself into here in New Mexico. I shook his hand, introduced myself, and made a complaint about how far of a drive his home was from where I lived in the city.
He invited me in and I stayed forever. That is basically how the story goes. Instead of sleeping together that night we got to know each other. That night he told me about his previous experience with transition. We talked a lot about it, actually. He told me the story of how he began his transition, and he told me the story of how he came to stop. I didn’t know then that the story of his transition would continue with me in his life, but I did know that the idea did not frighten or shake me. I remember being intrigued from the very beginning.
When we got home from our vacation, from the floor of the home in Tulsa, we both began a new journey of “gender fuckery,” as the community would call it. He started binding again and I got rid of all my dresses. He shaved my head and I gave him a very masculine haircut. We came to realize very quickly that I was a butch hiding inside a femme and he was a man hiding inside of a butch. It was all very freeing and mushy and gooey and lovely and sexual for both of us to open up and play with our presentations. We made love to each other like we were falling in love with ourselves. I feel like we found a lot of answers in our bed. I believe sex is a beautiful way to try out/try on gender and sexuality roles and then take them out into the world as confidence. We talked about our processes endlessly, but it was a beautiful form of expression to then take our ideas to the bedroom in a very sex positive way.
Somewhere early in the journey I plateaued with my own gender identity and felt very comfortable in my skin as the dyke butch I revealed to the world. One day in our process Kris and I had a conversation about pronouns. I knew it didn’t feel right to use female pronouns any longer with Kris – so I nagged him about it like any good wife would do. Finally, we talked, over email I believe, and he finally told me that he did in fact feel more comfortable identified with male pronouns. I did have some trouble at first; just like breaking an old habit, but He, Him, and His did actually come easy for me to begin using.
Husband took a little longer because “husband” was the changing to MY sexual identity. I previously identified as lesbian for ten years. Having a husband changed all of that for me. How did I deal with it? Well, one day I found the word queer and embraced the living shit out it. I was a queer. I was attracted to many different people and I was definitely attracted to my HUSBAND in all his transition glory. I finally had the courage to call him husband during a very hot session in our bed - holding true to how we, as a couple, work things out. I think more people should find their courage in the sheets.
Kris continued on with testosterone cream and then the shots. After I felt I had reached my own identity, I still felt very much a part of Kris’ continued transition. Around this point in our experience, for Kris, it seemed to become a lot less about gender fuckery and more about really and truly becoming a man. I realized this right away (what I had actually knew all along), but it became even clearer to me when he found out that he was going to have top surgery.
If anyone has disbelief about the authenticity of a FTM transition, I am here to tell you from experience I knew my husband was the real deal. I watched and comforted him though his breakdowns because he had to live with breasts. His breasts are bound and hidden, but they are so large that enduring a double bind with bruises and rashes is essential – even in the middle of the New Mexican summer. Imagine wearing a diving suit under your clothes. Every. Single. Day. The day that Kris found out that he was going to have top surgery will always be memorable. I was by his side as I watched a new sense of self come into him and the happiness flow out of him. He truly was the happiest I had seen him in a while. No more binders. It was perfect timing because his facial hair had just began coming in too.
I feel we will always be going through it together. I am always plugged in and a part of all ups and downs surrounding the stages of his transition. I use words like “we” and “us” when I describe to others what he is going through. I just committed, even before we got married, my heart just committed to the idea of us together. Sometimes people ask me how I am able to handle all of it. I have never seen Kris’s transition as something I had to handle. I have only seen it as I was doing what he had been doing all along for me – helping me become a better person. We are just a little more literal than the average couple becoming a better person inside their marriage.
Kris’s transition isn’t over and our marriage is still young. I expect more to come as his transition continues and we grow as a queer, fantastically colorful couple. We are as different as we are similar to any other family. We couldn’t live any other way – and we won’t. YOLO.
Kris 2 days post top surgery
9 days post surgery
12 days post surgery. Kris is getting his testosterone shot. He will have to get a shot every week for the rest of his life.
Vocabulary: Click on the word for definition
FTM Female to Male
MTF Male to Female